THE EPIDEMIC OF LONELINESS, EMOTIONAL BARTERING, AND THE REMEDY - Part 3
Prescribed Love . . .
In Part 2 of this series (the article preceding this) we learned that in a world governed by consumerism and comparison, our sense of self and understanding of love becomes distorted early on in childhood. As children, we adopt ego masks to shield ourselves from pain and rejection, only to grow into adults seeking validation through external sources—products, people, and perceptions marketed to us as truth.
This programming conditions us to believe love is transactional, dependent on others, and earned through performance and sacrifice. But the true essence of love has nothing to do with anyone else. It is a reflection of the relationship we hold with ourselves.
Society sells us stories about romance, fulfillment, and identity, in every movie, magazine, and social media post, crafting our reality through a filter of beliefs that aren’t even ours. Until we turn inward, challenge those beliefs, and reclaim our inherent wholeness, we remain stuck in endless cycles of codependency and emotional illusion—searching for something that was never lost, only forgotten.
This approach to romantic love is calculating and is only a way of protecting the emotional investment we’ve made in another person, that we’ve now reduced down to “our drug of choice” that makes us feel oh so good about ourselves. In other words, without even thinking about it we import our sense of self-worth and well-being from others. This is why most relationships have tragic endings that upon ending cause us to return to the baseline appraisal we have of ourselves, when someone is no longer bolstering our self-image.
Living in a society that has reduced LIFE itself down to a commodity and a competitive money sport, constantly catering to our ego, this competitive spirit bleeds over into our relationships, which is why most lovers enter into relationships that demand “commitment” from one another. Why? Because, “If I’m going to emotionally invest in you, you’re required to emotionally invest yourself in me.” Again, at the level of our emotions, love becomes completely transactional and conditional.
We’ve romanticized the idea of commitment because we believe it will provide our lives with predictability, continuity, and security. People don’t commit to one another out of love, they commit to one another out of fear. If two people love one another, commitment is unnecessary, because to truly love someone is to want for them what they want for themselves whether it continues to include us or not.
The fact is, when most people say, “I love you,” they’re really saying, “I love the way you make me feel,” never once realizing that no one can make us feel anything. Only we possess that ability.
When we stop getting from our lover what we want, and so desperately need, which is constant validation, our love turns to hurt and more often than not, turns to hate.
Applying even most superficial introspection to this visceral response, we find our insanity is now exposed. We never “loved” our lover, we, just as we had modeled for us, were unknowingly exploiting them to make our life work for us. Our love is and always has been a transactional, quid pro quo, exchange of emotions.
Again, this is because most relationships aren’t predicated on love but rather a culturally biased version of what we call love, which isn’t love at all – but rather codependency. It’s something based entirely on alleviating our fear of being alone by “winning the heart” of another person. Think about that for just a moment!
When we convince someone to marry us, we’ve won!!! This is why we celebrate weddings! “MY” lover, is now “MY” wife, “MY” spouse, “MY” better half, “MY” security blanket, “MY” prize. Every other suitor faltered and fell short of the goal line, but we, yes we, the fun loving, charismatic, loyal, patient, understanding, compassionate, thoughtful, romantic, and let’s not forget, “emotional-available” and just attractive enough suitor, have convinced our lover we will make them blissfully happy for a lifetime, so, it’s time to “put a ring on it.”
And this is what coaches, many of which don’t even have a healthy relationship with themselves, cater to – selling a product that capitalizes on traditional role playing in relationships.
Love and relationships have become big business. They’ve been commoditized as a product to help you find the “ONE,” who’s out there, and is a remedy for one’s loneliness. This is why the desperately lonely masses seek out those who will dispense advice on how to find your soul mate, “make anyone love you,” find the counterpoint to your soul’s essence, and meet the fulfillment of one’s quota of yearning. In other words, they promote love as an acquisition, an external pursuit, and something that is found with another.
This is why in our culture happiness, self-worth, self-respect, self-love, peace of mind, confidence, and joy are all concepts that tend to remain circumstantial and transient experiences at best, or worse, remain entirely foreign, elusive, and well beyond one’s ability to grasp. If you want to fall in love, begin by spending time with yourself and learning to love yourself.
The key to knowing love, experiencing self-acceptance, and having peace of mind, is knowing that the only thing that threatens our well-being is that we have allowed our thoughts and emotions to take instruction from outside rather than inside.
And so it goes, until we develop self-awareness and truly learn to live “mindfully present” – and stop ruminating on past memories or projecting ourselves into an imagined future – both of which are non-realities, we will forever be lost to the whims and the capricious nature of our thoughts that we weave together into an internal narrative we’re having with ourselves. These narratives we spin subsequently create all of our feelings; no one else!!!
If one pays attention, they’ll observe that for most of us, our self-image isn’t based on what we think of ourselves at all. It’s based on what “we think” others think of us. It’s all merely a story WE tell ourselves, and unfortunately, the internally narrative we create is always going to be the one that is the most commensurate (validating) with the beliefs we hold about our self. As said at the start of this writing, sadly, ALL WE SEE IS OUR BELIEFS!!!
If we believe we’re not likable, lovable, or good enough, we’ll constantly look for evidence to support our beliefs.
“Most people do not see their beliefs. Instead, their beliefs tell them what to see. This is the difference between clarity and confusion.”
Matt Kahn
What I invite the reader to begin is an inward journey . . . to actually sit, become silent and meditative, and simply become an observer of the pain you’ve been ignoring.
Get comfortable. Create a gap between your thoughts and you as the “observer” of your thoughts. Picture yourself in the movie theatre of your mind where you, as the observer, sit in the audience and simply observe the thoughts that appear on the screen, while suspending all judgement. Don’t label them as “good” or “bad” but rather, just see them as an experience you’re having. They cannot hurt you unless you give energy and meaning to them. Avoid the urgency to create a story around them. Just allow the thoughts to be whatever they are realizing your thoughts are yours but they’re NOT YOU, nor do they define you.
Observe the feeling that come up inside of you but do not resist them. What we resist, persists. The very act of resisting our thoughts or telling ourselves that we shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, or we “just need to get over it,” is resisting. By not resisting our thoughts, we process them, which dissipates the energy associated with painful thoughts, and allows the pain to evaporate away.
Thoughts happen automatically as they bubble up from the sub-conscious mind, so simply let them. Again, just observe them while suspending all judgement. What you’re peering into is all the activity that is going on beneath the level of your “conscious” mind. It’s what’s running in the background.
Pay attention to what you tell yourself as you observe these spontaneous thoughts that are being generated. Examine the beliefs you hold about yourself, listen to the internal dialogue you are having with yourself and the messages you send to yourself. This can be a very uncomfortable exercise. It involves having the courage to take an initial step into the darkness, where trapped emotions from childhood traumas, and the emotional wounds incurred in our youth, are kept hidden from the world. After all, this is the aspect of our being that no one gets to see, while we wear our brave face out in the world, with the hopes of appearing to be put together. But if one has the courage to step into that place, we can begin addressing and changing those beliefs and messages that no longer serve us.
In a society that only breeds “isotopes,” it’s easy to turn to self-loathing and self-hatred. You’ve spent your entire life hating and beating yourself up. How has that worked for you? What would your life look like if you could actually learn to truly love and honor yourself?
It’s very disheartening, but very few people will live having ever truly experienced truly unconditional LOVE, because ALL LOVE begins with learning to LOVE and honor ourselves. Until we do that love will remain an external pursuit and usually involves feasting on scraps from the table, because others can only validate us so much.
Those that have come to truly know love, TRUE, AUTHENTIC, “UNCONDITIONAL” LOVE for themselves and others, are those who become meditative, who have turned inward and become so silent, so still, so peaceful and contemplative, that by going within and becoming acquainted with their inner essence, they realize they ARE LOVE and they are never alone. They are everything and nothing at the same time. They feel connected to everything and attached to nothing. What they see is that love is no longer a relationship with another but only a “relating” to others. Wherever you are, with whomever you move, you are simply LOVING because LOVE SEEKS NOTHING!!!
LOVE is something we ARE, not something we find. LOVE is authentic, not emotional bartering. LOVE is “relating,” relationships are role playing. LOVE is sincere. Relationships are games. LOVE is boundless. Relationships have well defined boundaries. LOVE is free. Relationships demand reciprocity. LOVE never destroys ours or another person’s freedom. Relationships are a commitment to limiting our freedoms, and the freedoms of our lover. LOVE has no rules. Relationships are wrought with Rules of Engagement, quid pro quo, commitments, and expectations. LOVE is presence and lives only in the “NOW-ness” of each moment. Relationships are always future-oriented with a destination, a mile marker, a pinnacle to arrive at. LOVE is unconditional. Relationships are conditional. LOVE is un-attachment. Relationship is attachment.
LOVE is a dance, not a tethering!!!
Maturity is when we have the ability to make a bond of love, not a bondage.
FREEDOM IS OUR NATURAL STATE. Whether we realize it or not, the human spirit is in endless transition and is ever changing. It seeks constant expansion and experiences that lend themselves to the evolution of the soul’s consciousness.
Careful what you wish for. The walls of security you build with another today, often become the walls of your confinement tomorrow.
I would love to hear from you and hear your own personal thoughts on relationships in the comment section below. Let me know if the content of this article resonates with you, provides perspective, or helps you see things in a different way that empowers you to make different choices or see life and relationships through a different lens. I value your thoughts and feedback and look forward to hearing from you.
Love & Light to You in your continued Journey of Self-Discovery!
David
